Good Reminders

Here are two poems I wrote. One is a reminder of what God has done for me. The other is a reminder that when I fall and am humble, God is with me and so I can still have joy and peace in the midst of whatever is occuring in my life.

Heavy Burden
A heavy burden laid upon my heart
It pulled me down
It hid my heart
A heavy burden that had no end
It caused me tears
It cost me sin
A heavy burden that could see no end
It played with me
It blinded me

Then one day the burden lay
Down to the ground the burden may
For on that day the Lord did say
I take it away
Your heart is mine for all to see
Your tears and sins are upon me
Now see all as they should be
Now assist me in your day
For I can take all burdens away
A heavy burden is wiped away

______________________________________________________

Joy in Falling
Up, up, up we go
Down, down, down will occur
High and proud we can be
Low and below will occur
Seeing the world below, as we go high
Below the world looks up
Falling slow and sudden
The world wonders why
Falling fast and far
The world sees us no more
Up, up, up we go
Down, down, down we fall
High in the sky brings us worldly vision

But falling down below brings us joy
For high is for all to see
But low is hidden from me
High is where only One should be
Low is where One's joy is poured
Falling from on high
Falling down below
Looking up and wondering why
Down below could bring such joy
For up above is so alive
But down below is how we should thrive
Falling in joy
Falling in joy
Up then down we will go
Up then down we have seen
For falling brings more
For falling brings joy to you and me
Falling brings peace for all to be

Deeply Seen

Today I saw three people.

The first person was a man. He had black hair, a mustache, and brown skin. After peering at him briefly, I realized he was Hispanic. I stood a short distance away from him and watched him sit with many other men at a picnic table. I knew I was supposed to marry this man but for some reason I wasn't so attracted to him. I also knew that he had just gotten out of prison for murdering two people. I wondered how come he was out of prison so soon. Shouldn't he still be there? He couldn't have served his time yet, for he appeared to be not much more than thirty years old. He sat there talking to his friends and waiting for me to approach him. However, I continued to watch him from a distance.

I also saw a little girl. She was perhaps 8 or 9 years old. She had a sideways pigtail, her hair was brown with curls and straightness intermixed. She walked right up to me with her big brown eyes and just stared at me. She didn't say a word. I couldn't take my eyes from hers. There was something underneath the surface. She seemed almost joyful on the outside but underneath those smiling eyes she was in a liminal state. There was something hidden in her eyes, you could only see it when you looked so hard your own eyes began pounding with exhilaration. I wondered how such a little life could have seen such death. I walked away from her because I didn't want to see what else was in her eyes. As I glanced back, her arms where stretched out towards me, like she was begging me to embrace her.

The last person I saw that day was a rather large black woman in her fifties. The clothing she wore was not like anything I had seen before. She had on bright red balloon shaped pants, which rounded out far beyond the size of her legs. She wore a dress over the pants. The dress was pale blue with royal blue, that unhurriedly crept over all of the pail blue. It seemed as thought the royal blue on the dress was alive. Over and over again I saw it canopy the pale blue. It was so beautiful, like the sun rising and setting, brilliant color illuminating the sky. The woman was laughing hysterically at something in front of her. I was very drawn to her yet at the same time afraid to get to close. I yearned to feel what she was feeling, to have joy that came from the gut, rolled up, and out. It seemed as though her laughter was never ending. Would she ever catch her breath? It didn't appear as though she needed to. I was captivated. I didn't watch from a distance or turn away. I walked up to her and smiled into her eyes.

To be continued next Monday...

Heart Circumcision

This last month has been quite busy for me. I moved to a cute house, which is very peaceful and not a little shoe box (like my last apartment). I have made a few trips to Big Bear at ridiculous hours of the morning. I took a little mini vacation to the Welk Resort in San Diego where my family celebrated my grandparents 50th anniversary. Slowly but surely I have been working on my bedroom decorations. And of course cooking a lot, including making homemade strawberry jam. Sadly, my computer went down the tube so it has been a little difficult to write. Thankfully, I am borrowing a computer this week to write. I love writing and have missed taking the time to write my thoughts down (journaling just isn't the same and a lot slower).
So what have I been learning lately...many things...but I think the most important thing is how amazingly faithful and loving God is! You see the last couple of weeks I have been challenged in the area of love and what that looks like. I so desperately want to love God, love for God, and be loved. Yet, for so long I loved for myself and put my life on display. This is part of the reason why I have not written because I wanted to make sure my heart is in the right place. For so long I was blinded by my own sin and blind to see my own sin (Proverbs 20:11-13). I can see it now and the consequences of my past have affect me this last month. In January, I told the truth about the hidden secrets in my heart. The place where I wouldn't let God in. Where sin grew as the years went by. And you know what? God's love and faithfulness to me were greater than I ever could imagine. I knew what I needed to do but actually doing it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But God promised me that He would be there for me every step of the way and no matter the consequences, He would provide for me. And He has.

I read this verse the other day and feel like circumcision of the heart is the best way to describe what God has been doing to my heart this year. Deuteronomy 30:6, "And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, love the Lord Your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Circumcision has really hurt but you know what? I want to live! I want God to cut off the unclean parts in my heart. I want a covenant of love in my heart so that I can live! I was so blind to my own sin. It came to a point where I actually believed what I spoke even though some of what I spoke were lies. I believed them to be true and responded accordingly. Which still kind of puzzles me a little but I realized recently that I don't have to figure it all out. I don't have to have an explanation. The past can't be changed, it's done. I need to live now while continuing to let God work on my heart. I need be honest with God, others, and myself. And you know what? It is so freeing to let truth be know and to know the truth! To see God's greatest gift in action!

I have been studying love in the Bible and what it looks like. I was talking to a friend the other night about love. He made a comment about how love in the Bible is always an action. At this point, I have mostly been looking at love in the Old Testament. However, I have noticed how somehow when love is mentioned it almost always parallels the actions described in 1 Corinthians 13. Then there is the whole idea that God is love. And if we don't love then we don't know God (1 John 4:8). All I can say to this is that this year I have seen and felt love. I have seen God in a new way. That action of love by others showed me God's love. Showed me what people that choose to love God are capable of great love, are capable of love like 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. I saw how God gives strength to people so that as they love Him, they can love others. And so that gift, love, God...is what I hope for and why I want my circumcision to continue.

Heart Change

It has been awhile since I have written a post and my next post will tell you a little bit about why I have taken a break but for now here is a little poem I wrote. I wrote it to remind myself to continue to recognize and see God's love, and to continue to change for Him.

Change for Love

Change is far and seen

Further will it be

Change is all for me

Selfish ambition, no, sincerely be

Change for Love

Goodwill for Him above

Change to rejoice

Truth is in my voice

Change is time

Time to twine

Change my heart

My soul be humbled

Change in life and death

Faith in confidence of breath

Change in love takes place

Strife and suffering are worthy

Change to humility

Each individual is more than mine

Change to care for others

No complaint be uttered

Change for Him, not another

His pleasure be mine

Change from sorrow to joy

His joy and sorrow be thine

Change to become blameless

Not service for faith

Change for service of faith

My heart complains

Change for me lay by

My heart retains

Change for Him became

For another’s love

Change I wait

Yet changed lily be

Change is desired

For gain is loss

Change brings knowledge

Open up and choose

Change your thinking

Press on

Change the image inside

Let the prize hide, no more

Change your mind, body, and soul

Heart underneath

Change for Him

Let change be

Change for Love

What joy will bring

Change your prayers

Release yourself

Change if you will

Your will is just a pill

Change is everlasting

Worry no more

Change too fearless

Peace is stronger

Change to God’s own child

Heart be guarded

Change to be true

Noble, just, and pure

Change to lovely

Seek good will and justice

Change to praise Him

Reflect truth

Change brings contentment

It can be done

Change for Love

His love

Change for all

All things are done

Change is vigorous

Each need is met

So Change

Choose to change

Change, for love is great

Choose God

Change, for God is love

Never failing God

Change for faith

Hope in love

Change from inside out

Love for Him

Change as death is life

Death is never far

Change life

Let more Love in

Changed from hiding

Far behind me

Changed from within

Love is in me

Changed as time

Time in excess

Change refined me

Believe in Him

Change in all things

My hope endures

Change for Love

Transformation began

Change continues

Keep letting Love in

Change as you let Love

Love others more

Change as a gift

Gift to the Everlasting

Change has Love

Thankfulness beside my amazement

Change for Love

As Love transformed me

Philippians

1 Corinthians 13

Trip To "A" Town!

Just thought I would post my little weekend trip to Atascadero. And just to make this a little bit random...I have decided to start at the end and end at the beginning.

This picture was taken after shopping with my sister-in-law, Yeng. I am not quite sure if I like this photo but it was the best of the ones we took. This was the last photo session of the trip.
This is Caitlyn and her friend. They pushed me around on my floating bed while I worked on my tan in the afternoon on Sunday. They were very sweet and refrained from splashing me (mostly).
Here is my nephew, Yesh, ready for pool time. Sadly, he started freaking out and never actually made it in the water. However, this worked out to my benefit...instead of playing with him in the pool...I just got to lounge around and drink my wine.
Sunday morning I had breakfast with Pamela and Janice. I used to babysit for Pamela when I was in junior high and high school. Her daughter Alexis is now 17 years old but is currently in Maryland for the summer...so no breakfast with her. Boo.
This is Janice. She is my awesome once upon a time roommate from Paso! It was great to catch up with her and see the cute new hair cut!
On Saturday night, I headed to my friend Corinne's house and had a nice visit. Sadly, I didn't capture my visit to her house so we will pretend this picture is from my visit (even though the sun is shinning).
On Saturday around sunset, I went to Cindy's house. She is my Cookie Lee Grandma (Janice is my Cookie Lee Mom)...or something like that. She found out I was going to be in town for the weekend and invited me over to take some pictures. She is a professional photographer and will probably post some pictures of me on facebook and her photo blog...one of these days.
Then on Saturday afternoon I went to a graduation party for Camille and Michele. They are both previous co-workers/friends from Family Care Network. This is the motivating reason behind my weekend trip to A town. So here is a picture of Michele and I at her fun bbq/pool graduation party. I also saw many other friends at the party but didn't manage to capture them in photos.
The first friend visit of the weekend was to Bethani's house. I miss my good chats with her. We had a yummy lunch and I took some fun pictures with Jaden, her son. This little guy is just a few weeks old. Isn't he cute?

Then there was Saturday morning...Yesh followed me around the house "getting ready with me." He did everything from putting on lotion to brushing teeth. We then had to pretend to put on make-up so I wouldn't get in trouble. Hehe. This is a picture of him as we head out the door to wash my car.

The first night was spent hanging out with my brother and sister-in-law. And that was my weekend from end to beginning.

Why Heaven?

This morning, during our devotion time, my roommate asked me what I thought heaven would be like. I responded by stating that I don't care, that I haven't thought about it lately, and don't really feel like I need to. Of course, I then went on to explain the reason why and a little more about how I came to this conclusion. I realized maybe saying I don't care isn't completely the right words but I was trying to make a point, which I will now explain to you.

Growing up in a Christian home, attending a Christian private school, and then attending a Christian college has given me different ideas, viewpoints, and thoughts about heaven. I have come to the conclusion that I will just stick to the basics of what is in the Bible about heaven versus trying to sit and imagine or theorize how it will be or what it will look like. I would like to be content with just that and not add my own thoughts or another person's thoughts and theories.
About a month or two ago someone posed a question that really made me think and ultimately was the reason behind why I responded to my roommate the way that I did. The question was something along the lines of "would you serve God if there was nothing after this earth, if once you died that was it, no heaven?" This question really got me thinking, of course the reality is there is a heaven, but I have been thinking about it a lot, really pondering what I would do if there wasn't. And I came to the conclusion that I would still serve God and there are many reasons behind why I would still serve God.

The first of these is the simple fact that even though throughout my life I have heard a lot about heaven, I never really have thought about it much. I realized this is because it has never been the driving force behind why I serve God. There have been times when I served with the idea of heaven as an end goal but it is not the driving force for my service to God. I am human though, so I obviously still want to go to heaven, I want there to be no pain and sorrow, but what that place looks like and where that place will be is not important to me. I have seen and experienced God on earth (of course I can't fathom what it will be like to experience Him in heaven), thus I want to serve Him because I have known more peace, love, joy, happiness with Him than without Him.
Secondly, I am content when I am having good fellowship with God, when my relationship is in the "right" place with God (if there is such a thing as the "right" place). Yes, I definitely have my moments of discontentment but when it comes down to it, I have moments of peace on earth, moments of enjoyment and pleasure, and moments that lack in pain and sorrow. Although, I would love to have more of those moments, I relish those moments and hold on to them as long as I can.

Thirdly, I enjoy the pains of life (okay, so maybe not when they are happening but after). They are the moments when I get to draw close to God, when I get to see myself for who I am, when I see that I need God's strength, grace, love, mercy, faithfulness, etc., when my relationship with God grows, and when I get to see a little more of who God is. I don't think I would want to give up these moments, I want to experience and feel even if it hurts at times.
Lastly, I don't want to miss serving God now. I don't want to be so focused on getting to heaven that I miss now. I desire to see God's fruit in my life, I don't want to be a person that serves in order to get to heaven. I desire to serve because God has put a piece of His heart in me; I want to walk in wisdom and redeem the time (Ephesians 5), even though I have and will continue to fail at times. If I am busy thinking about heaven and what it will be like, then I feel like I am wasting time. Not that I don't think heaven isn't important because it is prevalent in the Bible and we do go to heaven or hell. However, why do I need to theorize, dream, or think about what heaven will be like? My thoughts are I don't because I don't want my life to revolve around what will happen later, I want my life to revolve around the now.

For example, when we desire something like a nice relaxing vacation or maybe a dream vacation. We sit around a dream about it or maybe we even look up information and start planning, yet the vacation may not happen for several years. In the mean time, we miss out on something else we could have been doing. Maybe that something else is just spending some extra time with a friend in need or building a stronger relationship with a family member. The point is we are so focused on this one dream, that we miss what is going on in our life now. Heaven could be a day away for me or it could be 50 years, so living spending time thinking or talking about what it will be like just doesn't seem important to me. I don't want to live for heaven, I want to live for God. Yes, eternity with no pain and sorrow is awesome! And I will admit it is nice to know there is more than just here on earth. But right now I am on earth, eternity is like the vacation that is years away. Why do I not care about what heaven will be like? I desire for my life to be about serving God and drawing others to do the same because God created us and loves us beyond our comprehension. I may never be perfect at service but I am okay with persevering and trying to the best of my ability.
So I pose the same question to you, "Would you serve God if there was nothing after this earth, if once you died that was it, no heaven?"

Simply

I will be moving next week, so over the last week, I have started going through all of my belongings and sorting through what I can give away, sell, or keep. I have decided I would like to live a little more simply and I am tired of moving around so much stuff (plus the house I am moving to is already decorated and furnished in the common areas). I sold my bedroom set last week even though I will need my own furnishing in my bedroom. I will just put my mattress and box spring on the floor and get a smaller dresser. I was actually quite relieved to get rid of it. Maybe that seems weird but I have been enjoying going through things and trimming down my physical belongings. I think part of this is just reminding myself that ultimately no physical item/object is going to bring me fulfillment and that when I die one day I am not taking any of these things with me. Yet at the same time, there are those sentimental items that I just can't get rid of. Those objects that tell a piece of my story or represent a period in my life. Then of course there are those items that I enjoy using or feel I need in my everyday routine. So I continue to carry things with me...but thankfully, I will have a lot less when I move this time. I am ready for a new simple and what better way to start than with less stuff.
I feel like the concept is the same when it comes to what we do throughout our life, as God shapes and molds us, as He gets rid of the old and brings the new. Sometimes, I carry things around with me that I don't need. It is just stuff that clutters my thoughts and heart. That stuff complicates the simple. I have learned that I can give God that stuff and be free to enjoy the simple. Yet somehow at times I still add my own words to His or let the complications in life touch me deeper than I should. I guess that is the beauty of choice, of having a will and a brain to think and choose.

I tend to over analyze things or figure out if there is something more than what I see or read. I don't tend to verbally express my thoughts but my brain is always going. I also have to remind myself that at times, words are just words. For example when I say, "there is a black ant crawling up my wall," there is no meaning behind it. I am just stating a fact. Sometimes, asking so many questions about a statement, just makes the statement more complicated, when in reality the statement means just what it says.
I wrote this poem about complication and simplicity. It encompasses question that arise in my mind as I think about how to make life simple. Maybe life doesn't have to be as complicated as we sometimes make it out to be...

Complication or Simplicity

Life can bring complication.
How do we un-complicate it?
What makes things simple?
Life can bring disruption of thought.
Can we let go of our compounding thoughts?
Wouldn't that make life more simple?
Life could be simple.
Why is it so hard to speak the truth?
Don't people want truth?
Life will be less complicated.
How is it so hard for people to see truth?
Is it because of our own sin of pride?
Life is simple if we have faith.
Why do people believe their own wisdom?
Why do people not understand?
Life can bring complications to those who miss.
How can we tell the truth?
How can love be known instead of human wisdom?
Life can bring hope to you.
Why not share it with the world?
Why so scared of man's own words?
Life can bring understanding of simplicity.
How can you hold back?
How can you let the lost stay lost?
Life is all we need.
Why not stop allowing complications?
Is it what you will always think?
Life can be simple.
Why not let Life in?
Why not stop the complications of man?
Life is love for you and me.
How about let fear slip away?
How can man hurt and say?
Life is life with eternity in mind.
Is it more important what we see in the world?
Or is it more important what we see for eternity?
Life is His glory in our simplicity.
How do we un-complicate life?
How do we bring simplicity?
Life is the Word which has already been spoken.
Why is it hard to hear and see?
Why don't we change from complacency?
Life in the Word turns complicated into simplicity.
Life is simple with God's love and serenity.