Heart Circumcision

This last month has been quite busy for me. I moved to a cute house, which is very peaceful and not a little shoe box (like my last apartment). I have made a few trips to Big Bear at ridiculous hours of the morning. I took a little mini vacation to the Welk Resort in San Diego where my family celebrated my grandparents 50th anniversary. Slowly but surely I have been working on my bedroom decorations. And of course cooking a lot, including making homemade strawberry jam. Sadly, my computer went down the tube so it has been a little difficult to write. Thankfully, I am borrowing a computer this week to write. I love writing and have missed taking the time to write my thoughts down (journaling just isn't the same and a lot slower).
So what have I been learning lately...many things...but I think the most important thing is how amazingly faithful and loving God is! You see the last couple of weeks I have been challenged in the area of love and what that looks like. I so desperately want to love God, love for God, and be loved. Yet, for so long I loved for myself and put my life on display. This is part of the reason why I have not written because I wanted to make sure my heart is in the right place. For so long I was blinded by my own sin and blind to see my own sin (Proverbs 20:11-13). I can see it now and the consequences of my past have affect me this last month. In January, I told the truth about the hidden secrets in my heart. The place where I wouldn't let God in. Where sin grew as the years went by. And you know what? God's love and faithfulness to me were greater than I ever could imagine. I knew what I needed to do but actually doing it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But God promised me that He would be there for me every step of the way and no matter the consequences, He would provide for me. And He has.

I read this verse the other day and feel like circumcision of the heart is the best way to describe what God has been doing to my heart this year. Deuteronomy 30:6, "And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, love the Lord Your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Circumcision has really hurt but you know what? I want to live! I want God to cut off the unclean parts in my heart. I want a covenant of love in my heart so that I can live! I was so blind to my own sin. It came to a point where I actually believed what I spoke even though some of what I spoke were lies. I believed them to be true and responded accordingly. Which still kind of puzzles me a little but I realized recently that I don't have to figure it all out. I don't have to have an explanation. The past can't be changed, it's done. I need to live now while continuing to let God work on my heart. I need be honest with God, others, and myself. And you know what? It is so freeing to let truth be know and to know the truth! To see God's greatest gift in action!

I have been studying love in the Bible and what it looks like. I was talking to a friend the other night about love. He made a comment about how love in the Bible is always an action. At this point, I have mostly been looking at love in the Old Testament. However, I have noticed how somehow when love is mentioned it almost always parallels the actions described in 1 Corinthians 13. Then there is the whole idea that God is love. And if we don't love then we don't know God (1 John 4:8). All I can say to this is that this year I have seen and felt love. I have seen God in a new way. That action of love by others showed me God's love. Showed me what people that choose to love God are capable of great love, are capable of love like 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. I saw how God gives strength to people so that as they love Him, they can love others. And so that gift, love, God...is what I hope for and why I want my circumcision to continue.